Written by Jun Xi Yang
"If one day I was born to a family on earth again, I would look for this memory to go back to my parents.…"
Today is Lesser Cold, January 5, 2021. At the time, the weather in Beijing is already very cold. My father's winter clothes have not been changed for a long time, and my mother's down jacket has been worn day after day. I'm sorry for my Mom and Dad’s being aggrieved. It's all because of me that we have such a dilemma at home. You have taken me away from our relatives and friends, drifting in such a strange city. Many people who do not know the truth when see my body with only bones think that I am often abused by you. After all, I have tried to explain to those people many times, but I don't even have the strength to speak. I know that one of my legs has reached the threshold of death, and I have been declared "incurable" by adults many times. It would have been too late for me to write this down If it hadn't been for your faith and working for me day and night.
I try my best to remember the causes and consequences of what happened, laying feebly in bed. We had a happy family, but the good time was pressed by the "pause button" on July 6, 2018. I will never forget this day, when the sun shone brightly on my face through the window. Mother shouted as usual, "Jun Xi, you should have breakfast, or you'll be late for school." But before I picked up the chopsticks, I felt a dull pain in my head and eyes. However, I didn't pay attention to it, thinking it was due to my staying up late to do my homework last night. Over the next week, my head hurt more and more, my eyes slowly swelled up, and I ended up with a bag the size of my fist. I saw my family hugging each other and crying bitterly when I was sent to the hospital. This was the first time I had seen such a sight when I grew up. An idea suddenly appeared. I may have got some serious illness, right? Later, when I saw the words on the report form, I still didn't know what rhabdomyosarcoma was. All I knew was that the doctor said that the disease was very serious. Maybe it could not be cured here, and it would cost a lot of money to go to other hospitals. I was shocked at that time, obviously I usually did not eat any carcinogenic food, how did I get this disease? My grandparents encouraged me: "it can be cured, it can be cured!" I was touched and had the confidence to fight against cancer meanwhile.
My family worried a lot about me, and my struggle with the disease finally came to an end after more than a year of treatment. The 2020 Spring Festival was supposed to be a day for family reunion, but I frequently had nausea and vomiting. As a result, I went to the hospital for re-examination of hydrocephalus, intracranial hypertension, epilepsy and blindness. I only felt my head covered with thick gauze and called for Mom and Dad when I woke up again. At that time, I was really scared, feeling like I was alone and there was no one to respond. I didn't remember how long it took me to hear my mother came in and called my father. After that, I heard my parents crying bitterly, and my heart suddenly changed from being able to feel the joy of my loved ones to depression.
My father is a very strong man in my impression. He used to be a soldier and was taught by him from an early age that men bleed without tears. However, why did Mom and Dad cry bitterly at the same time? When I asked them if I was going to die, my father answered me firmly: "I have to carry the big things, and will keep you safe no matter what as long as father here." At this time, I was so thin and my parents and I moved to a rental house far away to save money. When the landlord saw that my arms were so thin, he enthusiastically asked me if I wanted to go to the police. I understood what he meant in an instant. I remember that this was the third time I had a similar scene, but I didn't even have the strength to speak. At the time, my father told him that I was just sick. I was frightened by the news that my right eyeball would be removed when I was admitted to the hospital again a few days later, but there was nothing I could do about it. Imagining my life after resection: I will be treated differently by many people so I can't accept it. I shouted to my parents, "I don't want it. I refuse." I only heard my mother crying, and at that moment my heart was empty. My parents loved me, and there was nothing I could do about it. As a consequence, I had no choice but to agree.
I subconsciously touched my right eye, and it was still there when I woke up after the first operation. My mother told me that she begged the doctor to keep it at the most critical moment, even because the cancer could not recur. I still have a little eyesight in my left eye, and it hurts to look at my mother's haggard appearance. Although the right eye has been saved, it has completely lost its light. I imagined that my future life would be like ashes, and I was so scared that I even thought of death. Maybe if I die, I will be relieved and I don't have to take so much medicine and do so many tests. At the same time, I will be no longer a burden to my parents. At that moment I felt very cowardly and timid. After my mother knew that I wanted to commit suicide, she was afraid that I would not be able to get over it and cried to encourage me. Seeing my mother like this, my heart was very sad, and my heart was weak to suicide. At the same time, I just wanted to comfort her that I would never think of it again, and my mother stopped crying. They can't stop crying every time my parents and grandparents see me skinny because of cancer. I feel very sad to see them like this. I can only persevere, replenish more nutrition, and replenish the health lost as a result of illness. As time went on, another big problem emerged-we had no money for further treatment. I was discouraged and thought of committing suicide again when I heard the news. It seems that my life should not die, or the angel was moved by our family, and my father borrowed life-saving money. They hugged me and encouraged me to stick to it. They said “Don't think too much about it. It's up to them to figure out what to do." My parents consulted patients from various channels and continued to take me to major hospitals in Beijing. I was often left alone in a small hotel or on a cold chair in the hospital because I had to go to the hospital during this period. Sometimes I can't help it if I can't take care of myself. I peed all over my pants and shouted to my parents to come back to me.
2021 just began, but I feel strange again in my body . Because of constant chemotherapy and vomiting, the body can no longer squeeze out much meat, like a skeleton wandering in the world. I seemed to be alive, and while I was still breathing, it took me a week to sort out the images that had come to mind since I was ill. I believe that there is reincarnation, if one day I was born to a family on earth again, looking for this memory to go back to my parents.
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